why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
