I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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