New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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