Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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