we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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