You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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