so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
