Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
