This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize