I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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