I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
