it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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