I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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