I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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