wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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