someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
