Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
