Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
organizing the empties. That sober.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
