Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
