Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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