life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
