Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
