I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
