guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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