my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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