It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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