No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
