I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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