I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
