You just made me feel so damn special
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
