no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
