i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
