I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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