At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
