I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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