I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
