She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
