it was like eating out sand paper
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
