dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
