Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
