dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
