dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
