My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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