I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
