Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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