my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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