is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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