I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
