Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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