I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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