So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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