wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize