I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
