I met the friendliest cop last night
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
