what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
