Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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