just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
