i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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