no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
