I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
